Yao
by PinkShirt'dFairy
Summary: Little Canada can't sleep, so he goes to Daddy England for a story. Wait, something seems a little off... Disney's Mulan parody. Click for the tale of a beautiful...man?... woman? Rated T for language in later chapters.
1. Prologue

Hello err'one! This is a collab-fic between my awesome friend and I. We hope you enjoy Hetalia/Disney parodies, 'cause this is going to be one. If you, however, do **not** like Hetalia/Disney parodies, I suggest you turn away now, and come back when you grow to like/love our cracktastic crackedness. Don't like; don't read. Simple, eh?

With that said and out of the way, enjoy the prologue to our brainchild! :)

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><p>It was a cool, summer's night, and the artificial fireplace was crackling merrily in England's study. Suddenly, the the pitter-patter of tiny feet was heard outside, and the door creaked open.<p>

"What in the name of Bloody Mary in bloody Hell? Who's there?"

"D-daddy? Are you busy?"

In the doorway stood a small, boy with wavy blond hair (and a ridiculous cowlick) and violet doe eyes; he was almost fading into the background. Behind him trailed a drooly, grouchy polar bear cub.

"...Who are you again?"

"Not Alfie." replied the boy with a sigh.

"F-FROG? What the bloody hell happened to you? Whoever did this is brilliant! God save our gracious Queen-"

"I'm Canada! CANADA! The one you took from Papa! The one who actually respects you! Not like that loser we call my brother! CANADA!" he fumed quietly. An apologetic expression appeared on England's face.

"I'm sorry...Canada...? So why were you looking for me?"

"I can't sleep. Alfie's snoring is too loud."

England shook his head and sighed in exasperation before picking the small boy up and making his way down the hall towards the room shared by the two brothers. He could hear America's snoring from outside the room. England pushed the door open with one hand, entertaining the notion of buying some earplugs for Canada and himself. No one could be expected to sleep in such a racket. Canada, used to the routine, scrambled out of England's arms and back into his bed.

"Can you tell me a story daddy? Please?" The sound of his voice only barely audible above the din coming from America. England sat down next to Canada, and started telling him one of his favourite stories.

"Once upon a time, there was a brave thief-"

"Is it Robin Hood? You told me that story many times. Is there one you haven't told me daddy?"

England's thick eyebrows knitted together as he tried to think of one. This was such a common occurrence; there was only one story he knew of that he was certain Canada had never heard.

"There was once an empire in the east named China. It was a great and peaceful land, and its citizens were happy. The emperor of China had built a magnificent wall, The Great Wall, to protect the people from the evil Huns, who were trying to invade-"

"Um… what does invade mean?"

"It means to-"

"SEIZE VITAL REGIONS!" interrupted an obnoxiously loud voice. A head of white hair, red eyes, and a small yellow bird appeared to accompany it.

"Eeeh...yes. What he said. Hey! What are you doing here? Get out of my house, wanker!"

A round of "KESESESESESESE!" was heard in the background.

Before England could chase Prussia out of the house though, Canada tugged on his sleeve.

"Daddy..? The story please?"

"Yes, of course. So there was a beautiful man-"

England paused. It was a while back when he heard this story. He couldn't recall all the particulars of it.

"..or maybe it was a woman. Anyways, she/he went to war in her/his father's place..."

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><p>So how was it? We're just getting started! Please drop a review on your way out :) We'd really appreciate it.<p>

If you haven't figured it out by now, this is a MULAN parody LUL.

Reviews make us happy, but flames will be used to grill our grilled cheeses. Yum.


	2. Chapter 1

Author's note: This note is from the mysterious guest friend. All I want to say is: Hi guys.  
>I don't like this weekly schedule.<p>

Anything in italics = Not part of the Mulan story. Just so you know :)

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><p>The doors of the Imperial Palace swung open, and General Im, commander of the Imperial Army, marched in. Urgency was etched into his normally timid face as he bowed and greeted the Emperor.<p>

"Your majesty, the Huns have crossed the northern border! *Khünbish is leading them."

The Emperor looked steadily at his reflection in the mirror held up by one of his attendants, and the heavy scent of an artistically prepared meal for the Emperor pervaded the air.

"Your majesty, are you listening to me?"

The emperor didn't so much as bat an eyelash. "Oui, oui, I heard you. Set up defences around my palace." And he waved them off.

General Im cocked an eyebrow. "Shouldn't we be protecting your people?"

The Emperor turned his head lazily to look at him. "Oh, of course, them. Adviser Edelstein, do something about it. Conscript someone, ohohon. A single grain of rice can tip the scale blah, blah... leave me to enjoy my meal now." A second wave from that _fabulous_ imperial hand, and the General sighed in unison with the adviser.

Far from the Imperial Palace-

_A__ small, __blonde__ boy__ marches __stiffly __into__ the__ room,__ clutching __a__ soggy__ package._

_"__Haff__ any __of__ you__ seen __mein__ Bruder?__ He__ told__ m-__"_

_"__How __the__ bloody __hell__ did__ you__ find__ your__ way __here, __lad?__"_

_Germany __replies__ with__ a__ shrug._

_"__Right,__ that__ brother __of__ yours.__Oh,__ why __he__ was __just,__" __England__ turned__ to__ the __place __Prussia __had __chosen__ to __sit __down __in,__ but __he__ was __no__ longer __there.__ "__...here?__"_

_The __little__ nation__ in __the __door way__ started __swaying __aimlessly._

"_Bruder told me to make his a sammish." He presents the soggy package in his hands to England proudly._

_"__A__ w-WHAT __IS__ THAT?_

_"Stop interrupting me! As I was saying, Bruder told me to make him a sammish, but..." he trailed off WITH TEARS IN THOSE BIG, BABY BLUE EYES IN ADDITION TO THAT TREMBLING LOWER LIP OH MY HEART~ "I can clearly see he is not here. Thank you for your time." And with that, little Germany leaves and closes the door behind him. England continued with his tale._

"Far from the Imperial Pala-"

_The__ door__ clicks __open __as__ England__ is__ interrupted.__ Again._

_"__Uhm...__ if__ it__ isn__'__t __too __much __to __ask __for... __may __I __please __stay __in __case __Bruder __comes __back?__"_

_England, like many others, simply COULD NOT resist that absolutely adorable look Germany gives him._

_"O-of course, poppet. Matthew and I wouldn't mind. Would you, lad?"_

_"You were talking to someone?"_

_"__Ludwig,__ I__'__m__ r-right__ here...__"_

_England__ coughed._

_"So as I was saying..."_

Far from the Imperial Palace, a young woman named Mulan, of the Fa family was up early, studying how to be a good wife. Today was an important day; she was going to see the Matchmaker! Shaming herself at the matchmaker's would bring that shame to her entire family, so she was doing everything she could to be the most perfect bride. She was so concentrated on writing notes on her arm that she lost track of time and neglected her chores.

And in a not-so-distant part of the house, her younger brother, Yao, was awakened to the sound of firecrackers in his face. His eyes snapped open to a young boy with thick eyebrows in a... dog suit? He closed his eyes again, convinced he was still dreaming. The bursting of the firecrackers alerted him to the fact that this was reality.

"Get up. You're going to be late."

Yao was confused, to say the least.

"I'm not doing anything today! What can I possibly be late for? H-hey! Jia-Long! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

As Yao spoke, the "dog" was attaching a bag of chicken feed and yet another lit firecracker around his neck.

"This is the ultra slow firecracker. You have 10 minutes before it goes off. Finish all your chores before then."

"What chores? They're your chores!"

"Time is ticking..." Jia-Long trailed off ominously.

Needless to say, Yao shot out of bed and completed his brother's chores in less than _nine_minutes, with a bag of potentially explosive chicken feed in hot pursuit (no pun intended). All the while, Mulan was slowly idling away, completely unaware that she was late for her appointment.

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><p>The sounds of the market, the aromas from the street vendors- it was a fine, ordinary day in the village for Yao. He paced himself, strolling along leisurely, deciding what to have for breakfast. Yao settled on a simple pork bun, but before he could sink his teeth into it, he felt a firm hand on his shoulder, pulling him backwards.<p>

"Mulan, what are we going to do with you? You are late! And on such an important day too."

Yao sighed and turned to face his mother.

"I'm Yao, not Mulan! Can't you even tell your son from your daughter?"

His mother's eyebrows furrowed, and she pressed her mouth into a stern line.

"That's not going to work this time, young lady! Now hurry up and get inside. It's rude to keep people waiting!" she chastised as she continued to drag him off with inhuman strength. She spun him around as they slowed to a halt. They had reached their destination. Yao looked up at the building, and his face paled considerably. He pointed and opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He suddenly recalled why today was so important.

"Yes, yes, they've been waiting a long time now."

Yao desperately tried to escape, but his attempts were futile. The iron grip of an angry Asian mother was something he had underestimated (once again).

"You. Going. Inside. _Now._" she seethed.

"AIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ANCESTORS SAVE ME!" rung through the village as Yao was pushed forcibly inside. His grandmother popped up in the background.

"What can they do? They're dead!"

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><p>*Khünbish = Mongolia lul.<p>

General Im = N. Korea

AN: I hope you enjoyed it :) Thanks for reading.  
>I insist on some thorough critiquing. I prefer roasting marshmallows to grilling grilled cheeses, but I have the same attitude to flames; I will consider them amusing.<br>Oh, and that line about tears in Germany's eyes; it's not mine.


	3. Chapter 2

Sorry for not being able to upload last week! So to make up, have a long-ish chapter. We hope no one is too disappointed to keep reading! (:

Reminder: Italics = not part of Mulan plot.

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><p>While Yao was kicking and screaming in his angry mother's grasp, two workers emerged from within.<p>

"Fa Li~ We really can't wait any longer~" the sing-song voice originated from a young woman sporting two pink flowers in her hair, who stopped short as Yao was dragged closer. Her expert roving eye looked him over, and she tapped her feet to an unheard tune, and started singing.

"This is what you give me to work with?

Well honey, I've seen worse." She sang merrily as she took over dragging the uncooperative Yao behind a screen.

"H-hey! What are you doing?" Yao screeched as his clothes were tugged off.

"You need to get cleaned up for the Matchmaker. Why do you think you're here?" The other worker replied. "Also, don't mind her, she does that a lot." But even this woman was being affected by the catchy tune as she joined her fellow at work. Her neat ponytail was bobbing slightly with the beat of the song. Yao noted that she looked lovely in green.

Wait, he just thought _what_?

"Then you should know, I'M A GUBLblblblbl-" Yao's sentence was drowned out, literally, as his head was pushed roughly into the bathtub filled with steaming, hot water.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" came the muffled voice of the one with the ponytail. The melody continued to flow, even louder.

"We're going to turn this sow's ear-"

Yao's head bobbed up, splashing his two attendants with bathwater. "AHHHHHH! The water! It's burning, scalding hot. Why is it so h-" and his head was shoved back under.

"INTO A SILK PUUUURSE~" Rang out loud and clear.

_"BUONO TOMATO! BUONO TOMATO! TOMATO TOMATO OH! HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"_

_England stops at the sudden disturbance...a disturbance that had just traipsed in through the door and is now glaring daggers at him, singing about a tomato. Damn that kid is talented. There is silence for a few brief moments._

_"...Can I help you, Romano?"_

_"Where's Tomato Bastard, Eyebrow Jerk?"_

_They spoke at the same time._

_"...He's not here. How'd you get all the way here anyways?"_

_"I'm being independent, duh." The child turns to see Germany. "What is that Potato doing here?"_

_"You're welcome to join us for storytime, Lovino..." Canada says, somewhat hesitantly._

_"Who are you?"_

_"Kanada." Germany chirps._

_"Wasn't talking to you, Potato!"_

_England could feel a migraine creeping in..._

_And all of a sudden, the door flew open to reveal Spain._

_"Romano!~ What are you doing here~? I was so worried, looking around for you. Buhyooo~"_

_Upon settling his eyes on England, surrounded by children, Romano among them, Spain's face morphed into something he wore back in his Conquistador days._

_"You..."_

_England could feel the beginning of a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips._

_"It's been a while, Carriedo."_

_Spain, err..."Captain Carriedo" ignores England's greeting and proceeds to pelting him with questions._

_"Did you hurt Romano? Did you touch him? Did you feed him your cooking? I swear if you hurt even one hair on his head, you are fini-WHY DOES HE NOT HAVE A TOMATO IN HIS PRECIOUS HAND?"_

_All eyes not green or closed were turning towards Romano. His hands are, indeed, devoid of tomatoes._

_Oh. Shit._

_"BASTARD! I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? I'M HUNGRY. FEED ME." The little monster had tears in the corners of his eyes, and was addressing Spain at last! Spain's face breaks into that stupid grin we all know and love at Romano's 'concern', and practically flies to the child's side._

_"Romano!~ Shhh… don't cry! Boss missed you too! But Boss must defeat the evil Eyebrows before we can go home!"_

_Spain turned to face England once more._

_"So. Kirkland. Where were we?"_

_England was already drawing a cutlass out._

_"Come get me."_

_A halberd went crashing through the window, and landed in Spain's outstretched hand. The two of them leave the room, the sound of metal on metal tracing their path. The children felt clear confusion, and America remains asleep likely only because his snores were able to cancel out the racket. Romano breaks the silence (relatively speaking)._

_"Could someone please tell me what the hell just happened?"_

_"Yao was being washed up." The reply from Canada came quickly, but quietly. "Well, unless you're talking about Mr. Spain and Daddy..."_

_"Vat do you think happens after that?"_

_The three young nations speculate together. Canada nods to himself, and then continues his own version of the story._

The young ladies finished bathing him, and sang as they continued their work. They made his hair all nice and were finding fine, colourful clothes for him for the Matchmaker. Yao wasn't happy, and he was overwhelmed a bit, but it wasn't long before they deemed him ready. His grandmother came inside, and looking at him, he scowled and took out a jade necklace and a caged cricket, putting them on him while mumbling something about luck.

_Canada was cut off by England, who was marching back in, breathing heavily. He cast a look at Romano, picked him up (to his eternal protest), and walked to the window, where he promptly dropped the child outside into Spain's waiting arms._

_"Now get the bloody hell off my lawn, you git!" England yelled before shutting the window and locking it tight. He then plopped his tired bottom back on Canada's bed._

_"Daddy! Are you alright?" Worried eyes surveyed the damage done on England- disheveled hair, torn clothes, a bruise in the corner of his lips, scratches here and there. Not a huge deal, really. But before England could open his mouth to form a reply, a fuming Romano barges into the room, pulling a wailing Spain by the ear._

_"We are staying for storytime. whether you bastards-" he shot a glare directed to both Spain and England, "like it or not. Besides, I've spent a huge amount of time getting here, damnit!"_

_England looked rather baffled. "Er... alright so..."_

_"We got to the part where Yao meets his Grandma at the salon place. After the lady workers dressed him." Canada prompted._

_"Alright, so..."_

Yao grandma shoved and apple in his mouth and said he had a long day ahead, and patted him on the back. His mother rushed him away, forcing an umbrella into his hand, and practically flung him out the door.

"GRANDMA! HELP ME! THEY CAN'T TELL THAT I'M YA-!"

"Mulan! Why are you still here? Run!" his mother screeched.

"TO WHERE?"

The potential brides, arranged in their finest, were in an elated mood, stepping lively in tune with each other, while Yao was dragging behind rather awkwardly, wrestling with his parasol. If he couldn't get out of this, he could at least hide his face behind a delicately pointed paper shield... right?

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><p>Workers = Taiwan, Vietnam.<p>

We hope you enjoyed the tidbits with England and Spain.

...I know I did.


	4. The first chapter with a title

Woooh, another late update! Our apologies, loyal readers! Please enjoy (:

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><p>The singing maidens stopped suddenly, and almost like clockwork, simultaneously opened their parasols and gracefully knelt down. Yao almost tripped over the girl before him, stumbling and awkwardly coming to a kneeling position beside her, clutching his parasol in front of himself clumsily. He cursed under his breath. Then, the richly decorated doors of the Matchmaker's home opened slowly. A young woman with an orange peony in her long, light brown hair stepped outside, register in hand, to survey the crowd before her.<p>

"She doesn't look Chinese." Yao whispered to the girl at his side.

"She's not, but she's rumoured to have an expert eye. Get back in line." The young lady elbowed him back into place.

"FAT, Mulan!" The call from the Matchmaker quieted any remaining chatterers.

"Uhm...Fa? Mulan?" suggested Yao.

"SPEAKING OUT OF LINE!" A random voice from the crowd called out. A frying pan was thrown in its direction. The satisfying thunk of metal on skull could be traced to a shaded spot further down the avenue.

"Nonsense! My apologies, Fa Mulan. Please come in." She stepped aside, motioning for Yao to enter.

"B-but, I'm not a gir-"

"STFU, n00b!" Yet another uncouth member of the audience announced. Yao's mother pushed her way through the crowd to shove her "daughter" forward. There was a quick, low murmur of "good luck" in his ear.

Yao practically tumbled into the Matchmaker's home. He heard the door shut quietly behind him, and felt the hairs on the back of his neck prick up. He coughed loudly.

"Listen, there's been some sort of mis-" He wanted to clear things up, but as soon as his eyes met the Matchmaker's. his voice faded. He froze from the power of her penetrating gaze; it felt like she was seeing things he didn't want her to see.

"Hello, dear!" She said, smiling brightly. "Please call me Ms. Elizabeta. Now before we get too friendly, recite the principles for being a wife. **Now**."

It seems like Yao has to improvise.

"Fulfill your duties calmly... and respectfully...? Reflect before you uhm... act. This shall bring you honor... and... glory! I-is everything alright, Ms. Elizabeta?" Yao was concerned for her, even with all this ridiculousness going on.

"You..." She began, as Yao swallowed nervously.

"Are PERFECT." Ms. Elizabeta squealed out. "The ideal bride!" And she beamed.

The colour drained from Yao's face. Her words echoed through the empty desert landscape that was his current state of mind.

_Idealbride...idealbride...idealbr-_

Yao flipped the tea table over.

"NOOOOOO!" came his cry of anguish as he sank in despair to his knees.

As Yao lamented, Ms. Elizabeta threw open the window shutters, tossing bits of confetti and flowers everywhere. Were those little wings on her back...?

"PERFECT!" She repeated to the assembled townspeople. The crowd gasped collectively in shock. Perfect? They'd never had a perfect bride in this village yet!

NEVER.

…

…

...

...

EVER.

While her back was turned, a quiet yet somewhat sarcastic voice, chirping was heard... but it went unnoticed.

_"Hey! That cricket sounds an awful lot like-!"_

Yao wailed in reply "..but I'm a gu-"

A frying pan flew through the open window. Ms. Elizabeta produced another pan, and with the speed of lightning, deflected the first, which bounced off and hit Yao squarely in the face, effectively cutting off his sentence. He heard a concerned squeak before his consciousness faded.

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><p>It was warm, but uncomfortable, when he opened his eyes. He was lying flat on his back, his sky filled with pink flowers. A gentle breeze teased one of the blossoms off its perch and onto Yao's nose; he sneezed himself into a sitting position. He realized he was on a bench in the family garden, and there was someone else in the vicinity. He turned to see an expressionless face set with thick eyebrows.<p>

"AHHHH!" Yao screamed as he fell off the bench.

Jia-Long appeared deaf to him.

"In case you haven't noticed, your family's not around, Sleeping Beauty. You sure took your time."

"Well, why are you here?"

Once again, Jia-Long completely ignored him.

"Some foreigner came marching to the front gate and demanded to see your father. Everyone's gone to take a look, or something."

Yao shot away to the gate, arriving just in time to see the aforementioned foreigner riding away haughtily on his elegant, high horse, an escort of musically gifted soldiers surrounding him. His family were gathered around his father protectively. The gloom was almost tangible, a cloying cloud of depression.

"Father! Mother! Sister! ...Grandma? What happened?"

Fa Zhou was an impressive man. His hair was still as dark as the night sky, with the exception of several silver streaks (probably because of Mulan). He was still tall and fit, appearing to be a man ten years younger than he actually was. And don't even get me started on dat beard. _Dat beard..._

Anyways, he was a soldier, through and through, serving the Emperor faithfully throughout his years (until he was injured), but the figure before Yao right now looked only tired. He was not in the best of shape to go marching into battle. Oh dear.

"The Huns...they've crossed the border. They're invading."

_"VITAL REGIONS!" A familiar, obnoxious, voice cried._

_"B-bruder...?"_

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><p>Ohonhonhonhon.<p>

Remember to drop a review on your way out (:


	5. OHON!

HEYYYY EVERYONE! IT'S US AGAIN! We sincerely, sincerely apologize for suddenly disappearing into thin air, but November really was not the best time to update. Unlike last time, we're setting a warning for a **semi-hiatus in January** when we'll be studying for midterms. However, we WILL update during Christmas break. We'd like to thank all those reviewed, favourited, and alerted. We'd like to especially thank those who stuck around. Thank you all! (:

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><p><em>"KESESESE!" The laughter was accompanied by the spraying of moist food crumbs. In the time that little Germany was focused on the story, Prussia had returned, seized his sandwich, and started eating it.<em>

_"Ewww, bruder. That vas gross."_

_"GROSS? NO! AWESOME!"_

_"Hello ." came the quiet, polite, voice of Canada._

_" OH HEEEY, LITTLE BIRDIE! WANT TO COOK THE AWESOME ME SOME PANCAKES?" Gilbird cheeped excitedly, while Prussia yawned loudly._

_"Actually, the Awesome feels a little strange after eating that sandwich. Let me sleep with you tonight."_

_But before Canada could reply..._

_"OHON!" _

_England's ear pricked up, his eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes turned mechanically out the window. He was quick enough only to see a pale streak against the dark backdrop of his garden at night. That was enough._

_"Frog? HEY, YOU! GET OFF MY PROPERTY!" With a cry declaring war, England grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be Kumajirou, and charged outside to ward off the trespasser._

_There was an awkward silence, which Prussia broke._

_"SO HOW ABOUT BIG BROTHER AWESOME TELL YOU A STORY? LET'S GO WITH MY RISE TO FAME! THE YEAR WAS 1417-!"_

_A throaty voice, thick with a French accent, interrupted. But the voice was disembodied. There was no visible person where the voice was projected from._

_"The children don't want to hear about your life's story while you are going through a mid-life crisis. They want to hear fairy tales filled with magic, and love, and beautiful princesses and happy endings full of-"_

_"FROOOOOOOOOG! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BLOODY GODFORSAKEN HOSER!"_

_But France was, of course, nowhere in sight when England climbed through the window._

_Romano pulled on England's pant leg to draw his attention._

_"Hey Eyebrows, keep telling the damned story."_

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><p>Dinner at the Fa household was quiet for once. Thunder can be heard and lightning can be seen through the opaque window. Tea was poured by Mulan, but she slammed her teacup down on the table and stood up. Yao and his grandmother kept eating, but his parents bowls clattered as Mulan slammed the table.<p>

"You shouldn't have to go."

"Mulan!" Fa Li exclaimed

"There are plenty of young men to fight for China." continued Mulan.

"It is an honor to protect my country and my family," stated Fa Zhou calmly.

"So you'll die for honor!"

"I will DIE doing what's right. I know my place, it is time you learned yours!" He snapped. The tone of finality indicated this discussion was over.

Mulan looked like she was about to cry, but she turned away abruptly from Fa Zhou and ran outside into the rain storm... but not before flipping over the dinner table.

"Hey! I was using that!" came the voice of their grandmother.

Things were awkward for a bit, until Jia-Long thought it was appropriate to clear his throat really loudly.

"I'll go try to talk some sense into her," Yao muttered to no one in particular.

He found his sister sitting at the base of the Great Stone Dragon weeping miserably. Mulan looked up as he approached, her tears blending in with the rain.

"Yao, he can't. He can't."

Yao didn't know what to say. He didn't want to see his father go to war either. He already fought before, and had the injuries to show for it. The siblings watched as their parents retired to their room, and the shadow of their father and his sword dancing across the screen. They watched him stumble, struck by the pain of an old wound. If he went again, Fa Zhou wouldn't return. As Yao remained silent in contemplation, his sister's expression changed from one of desperation to resolution.

"I'll go in his place. It's better me than him." She uncurled herself from the statue, and turned on her heel, heading back to her room with a purposeful stride. Yao knew Mulan wasn't joking. But even if she survived the war, she would die if anyone discovered she was a woman. As brave and clever as she was, sometimes she didn't think things through. Yao sighed, and returned to his room as well. He was not going to get any sleep tonight.

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><p>An ember flew across the screen of his door, not even casting a shadow. It was time. The lights in the house had eventually dimmed. He was lucky his parents slept like rocks, because otherwise, his or his sister's plans would never have worked. Especially in Yao's case. In the span of a minute, he had managed to trip over a rock, knock over a statue, and crack one of the Fa family ancestor's tablets. Smooth. Mulan was probably on her way to pay, so Yao had to work fast. He slipped into his parents' room, grabbing the conscription letter and replacing it with a cold pork bun. He gave them a quick glance; but that was all. He had little time to spare, even for them. And Yao wasted none, sweeping up his father's old equipment (especial care was paid to the sword), and he rushed out of the compound.<p>

After several hours of marching through the rain-slicked mud, Yao wondered if he should have taken Mulan's horse. He had gotten lucky, setting off, that there was a farmer with a cart who was on his way home at such an odd hour, and had gotten enough of a lift to put himself ahead of any pursuers from home. But he hadn't thought of how hard it was to lug everything around. Must run in the family. Not that Khan would have followed him. That beast would have knocked the manliness out of him.

That was when Yao's bleary eyes fell upon a stable (little more than a shack, really). It housed only one animal; a small black-and-white pony... or was it a miniature horse? Anyway, it was something on the small side. Yao's expression was doubtful, but he didn't have a lot of choice. Either take the pony, or be his own pack mule. Yao relented soon enough, and made his way over to the pony. It turned its great, dark, soulless eyes on him, and they stared at each other.

"Err, hey there little guy." Yao said as he awkwardly waved to the creature.

The pony shuffled around so that his posterior faced Yao.

"...Yeah, the feeling's mutual."

The pony kicked him square in the shin before stirring some dirt and hay around its hooves. Clutching his leg, Yao hissed in pain before falling to the ground. Nothing seemed to be broken though. Little bugger can certainly pack a punch. Looking up, a faded, yellowed sign with the word "Kiku" was hanging by a flimsy rope on a rusty nail.

"Kiku, huh...?" Sounds like you're from Wa*." The pony turned to face him. Yao reached out towards it, and rested his palm on the pony's muzzle. It snorted, but otherwise did not react.

"Well, I'v-" The pony looked at him again.

"I mean _we've_ got a long journey ahead."

.

.

.

_"Daddy, what's a posterior?"_


	6. OMAKE! The Pony and His Boys

HEY GUISE! IT'S US AGAIN! Look what we brought with us! :D

Enjoy our last upload of 2011! Happy New Year!

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><p><em>A heart-breaking tale of star-crossed bromance... this is the story of a boy, his horse, and how what they had all came to an end, and the troubles of one small, lonely creature.<em>

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><p>There was once a boy; a boy only 12 years of age, one can guess, in a tiny village somewhere up in northern China. You see, he loved his pony very much. He had a shiny black coat with a blaze that crept up to his forehead, but the top was hidden by his mane, and the biggest, emptiest, eyes. The small creature was still only a foal, awkward on his hooves, and was given to the boy by his best friend.<p>

_"No matter what happens to me... promise you'll take care of him?"_

_  
>"I promise!"<em>

The promise and the gift was given far from the prying ears of the town- in secret, in the dead of night. The two boys sat side-by-side, keeping each other warm, and wishing on the gentle light of the stars.

You see, the boy and his best friend had sort of a frowned-upon, almost forbidden, friendship going on. The best friend was Mongolian, the boy was Chinese. The problem? Well, the Chinese didn't like Mongolians for many reasons, and being a Mongolian in a village full of close-minded Chinese... you get the picture. The villagers tolerated the Mongolian boy and his mother for years; but when a band of them attacked a nearby town, paranoia set in, and they drove him and his mother out, out, and away. The boy couldn't do much but cry and scream as he was held back by his father. That night was the first of many sleepless, dreamless but tear-filled nights for the boy.

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><p>The runt didn't look like anything special; some even called it pathetic, but the look of pure adoration in the boy's eyes begged to differ. Unlike many of the horses in this village, which were native to China, the boy's best friend somehow acquired the creature from its homeland of Wa. But unlike many of the horses, it wasn't a pedigree. Pedigree or not, it didn't matter to the boy; the pony needed him, and he loved the pony. Both had the habit of falling asleep in the chrysanthemum bushes of the village, so the boy named his faithful steed "Kiku", after the bushes they would nap in.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Five years later<em>

The young man was carefully tucking supplies into Kiku's saddlebags. There was news that Mongolians had appeared near the border again. Back then, as a child, he was helpless; but it was different now. His father couldn't stop him from chasing after his friend. He wasn't going to miss this chance, but _someone_ was refusing to cooperate.

"Kiku, _please_! Get up!"

Instead of "getting up" like he was asked to, Kiku continued to sit. Even though five years had passed, and he had cared for Kiku like he was the dearest thing in the world, Kiku had been less than responsive. He loved Kiku because he was his best friend's gift to him, but under any other circumstances, he would have hated the obstinate pony. But he hadn't wasted those five years either; he learned a thing or two about working with Kiku.

"Look, Kiku! A turnip!" The pony raised his ear.

"If we get going, it's all yours. C'mon Kiku... work with me..." The pony got up and obliged being saddled. The young man climbed onto his back and rode him out onto the plains.

* * *

><p>It was getting late, so the young man decided to get a fire started. In the meanwhile, Kiku had wandered off to graze, but that didn't worry the young man. He knew that Kiku was indeed stubborn, but smart and loyal; he'll find his way back. Night had fallen; out on these open plains, the stars shone clear and bright, unobstructed by anything. It brought back old childhood memories, when he used to sneak out to count the stars with his friend...<p>

Now there was a figure making his way to the young man from a distance.

"Hey! You seem tired! Why don't you come and rest by the fire for the night?"

The figure didn't say anything, but made his silent way to the young man, just like someone else, long ago. He settled down beside him. Wordlessly, he maneuvered his arm to the other side of his body to take something out. This went unnoticed by the young man.

"This brings back tons of memories! Why are you out so late? I'm out at this hour because I'm looking for some-ah!"

The young man was interrupted by a dagger sticking out of his chest. Before he hit the ground, he managed to make the slightest eye contact with his attacker, his face clear in the firelight. His mouth formed a faint smile.

_"It's... you..."_ he rasps out.

.

.

.

.

.

A single, manly tear escaped his eye.

.

.

.

_You found me. Don't you recognize me? _

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_..._

_I missed you. _

He couldn't find the strength to put these last thoughts into words, but the hot stream of tears flowed uncontrollably from his eyes for this sad turn of the wheel of fate. Or perhaps those tears were of happiness, that in his last moments, he was able to see his beloved friend's face, and rest in peace. Then, his world was black.

There was the sound of galloping, and Kiku arrived to the bloody scene. He snorted and tossed his mane at the sight of his deceased owner. His attacker turned at the sound of hooves, his sword aimed at the pony. His eyes widened, his face cycling through expressions of shock, then realization, then joy, then sorrow, then shame, and at last, heart-rending pain. Filthy blade in one hand, and the lifeless form of the one dearest to him in the other, the heavy burden of what he had just done fell on him. His knees buckled. His was a sorrow beyond tears and words.

Kiku left them then. Where he went afterwards was anyone's guess. As for the two young men, no one has recorded their story, and therefore there is neither end nor beginning. The only witness to the events above was a single pony.

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><p>Whoever gets the reference not only gains awesome points, but also gets to choose the next OMAKE! topic!<p>

See you all mid-January! Remember to review!


	7. Ohon! What lovely hair you have!

**Whoaaaaaah! An update after like… 2 months!**

**OTL, we sincerely apologize, but we hope you guys understand when we say "school did this." We also thank everyone who stuck around, reviewed, alerted, and favourited.**

**On a side note, we're starting another story. Not sure if that's good or not…**

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><p>…<p>

**What?**

_England said nothing, but his facial expression practically screamed "FROG HASN'T TOLD YOU? WHAT KIND OF PARENTING-"_

_"Ohonhonhon!~"_

_There it was again!_

_That voice!_

_England felt his eyebrows twitch. He turned his head to survey the room. Peals of Canada's giggling snapped him out of his reverie... and low an behold, THERE HE WAS. There, sitting on the bed, cuddling and rubbing noses with the little colony with his Frenchy-Frenchiness and his stupid French face, was FRANCE._

_Awww, now isn't that a sight?_

_"FROOOOOOOOOOOOOG!"_

_Never mind._

_"Ohon, time to make my exit." He gently placed Canada back under the covers, made a sweeping bow, and ran for it like an Italian from British soliders. But before England could fetch his musket and chase after France, the doorbell rang._

_"Oh for the love of-! WHO THE HELL IS IT?" England hissed as he threw the front door open. How he got downstairs that quickly is a mystery._

_Standing there were Belgium and Netherlands... the latter looking not that pleased..._

_"Sorry for coming at such an hour, but I brought cookies!~" exclaimed Belgium with a smile. This, however, earned her a nudge from Netherlands._

_"Oh! Big Brother says you guys are too loud. Good night!" Doing England a favour, she politely closed the door behind her, but not before handing him the cookies._

_Making a mad dash upstairs, England returned to the room where everyone was waiting quietly. He handed Canada the cookies, believing that the child would share._

_"Mr. England, if you would, please continue the story?"_

_Oh Germany... always so polite._

_"Err... yes." He coughs. "Where were we again?"_

_"Posterior. And you still haven't answered my question..." Clearly, Canada did not like being left hanging. Whispering was heard, but where or who it came from was unknown._

_"Oh! Really? Why didn't anyone say so earlier? Merci, Papa!"_

_"WAIT WHA-?" came the totally manly squak from a totally not-surprised England. And no he did not jump from his seat._

_Canada was nestled in his Papa's arms, fingers being run through his flaxen waves. "Such pretty hair... just like mine..." He then turns to England, eyes widening at mock amazement. "My, my _Sourcils! Quels beaux cheveux! Qui les a fait pour toi?_"_

_"Huh?" A mirror was handed to him by Prussia, who was previously walking around the room to "keep the awesomeness circulating 'cause clearly nobody else knows how to."_

_To England's surprise, there was a _fleur-de-lis_ printed in his hair. Still glaring at the reflection in the mirror, snickering was heard from Prussia, Spain, and France._

_"Oh, sod off you twits. Or I'll-!"_

_"DAMNIT YOU BASTARDS. CONTINUE THE DAMNED STORY!" fumed a red-cheeked Romano._

_Germany also threw in his two cents by coughing awkwardly before the rage-o-meter filled up._

_"The story. Yao took a pony."_

_"...Right."_

* * *

><p>Okay, so Yao eventually got tired of walking, which meant: Yes he had to ride the pony. he attempted to get on the animal several times, but the fickle mule continually bucked him off. But hey, like they say, the 262nd time's the charm! (or maybe not). After getting covered in mud and bruises, and the added bonus of smelling like a bag of horse butts, Yao gave up. He sat down and sighed. What to do, what to do? he wasn't making any progress here.<p>

"Look, Kiku. We have no food right not. Camp has food. If you want food, work with me!"

Kiku snorted then picked up Yao's sword by the strap with his teeth. _"What are you waiting for now?"_ his eyes seemed to say.

Yao got up with some difficulty (owed to the bruising) and mounted Kiku, who set off with a gallop!

...then slowed down to a canter...

...then slowed down to a trot...

...then walked...

...really slowly...

...then turned his head around.

"What's wrong now?" Yao screamed in frustration. The pony looked at him, stopping and pawing the ground.

Yao gritted his teeth. "I promise you, Kiku, that if we get to camp before sunrise, you can have my pickled vegetables."

Still maintaining eye contact, Kiku resumed walking.

"For an entire week."

Kiku galloped as fast as his little legs could carry him.

* * *

><p>By the pink light of dawn, Yao could see the waving flags and the outline of the recruitment camp. They had made it there before dawn, with Kiku whinnying excitedly, and Yao unable to feel his legs. He was pretty much ready to fall asleep too.<p>

When all of a sudden...

DRAMATIC FLAMES AND SHADOWS APPEARED

...from behind them...

"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL-!" a voice boomed.

Yao clapped. "Oh, is this a magic show? I didn't know the army had these."

"Hey, bro. Not cool to interrupt. Only heroes get to do that!"

_"Daddy did you just-"_

_"Yes. Yes I did, poppet."_

Kiku trotted to the source of the voice and stomped on it. Violently.

"Kiku! Kiku! Stop!" cried Yao as he pushed the rampaging pony aside. Once free of the dust and flying hooves, the freshly made depression in the ground revealed a small, patheric-looking...

"Lizard?"

"I'm a dragon! DRA-GON! Your ancestors sent me, 'cause you seem like you need a hero!"

"My ancestors sent a lizard..." Yao deadpanned. A disheartened chirp was heard from behind the creature.

The "dragon" facepalmed.

"I said dragon! SEE? I BREATHE FIRE." he huffed and puffed and blew out a little puff of smoke. Yao, Kiku, and the source of the chirping were unimpressed. To prove a point, Kiku bent his head down and puffed out a breath, blowing the "dragon" over.

"ARRRGH! HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

Kiku snorted.

"Didn't you say you were sent by my ancestors or something...?" Yao pondered. "Who are you anyway?"

"I AM THE GREAT SPIRIT HERO MUSHU-MERICA!"

* * *

><p><em>"Okay wait, Eyebrow Jerk. Just to confirm; Mushu-merica is-" Romano points to the snoring mass.<em>

_"Yes, luv. Yes he is..."_


	8. WELCOME!

A/N: Hey guys! BEHOLD OUT LONGEST CHAPTER! WE ARE LATE AGAIN LOL SORRY. Please excuse our inability to update on time, however, enjoy this last chapter before our (mine and co-author's) spring break!

* * *

><p><em>"What the hell, man? You give the little brat and Francey a part, but not one to the awesome me?" Prussia complained rather loudly.<em>

_"If it makes you feel any better, I don't have one either," answered Spain. "But it's not like I care much or anything."_

_"You so care, Tomato Jerk."_

_"Ubuu~ Romano!~"_

_England coughed. "Will everybody kindly shut up, or will I drop the story and everybody leaves for home?"_

_"NO!" came the resounding ring of eight different voices._

_… Hang on._

_Eight?_

_England counted the heads. There were nine in total._

_Good._

_WAIT, WHAT?_

_"Norway?" What are you doing here?"_

_The other magical nation looked up at England. "Ran out of butter. Again. Ice wants some on his toast," he replied nonchalantly as he gestured with his thumb to the wide-eyed child clinging on his back._

_"Was it necessary to bring him with you?"_

_"Would you trust Denmark? Sve and Fin are busy, and the faeries aren't all that helpful. Besides-" he pauses, "Why bother them when I have this?" On his face was a smirk, and in his hand was the end of a child harness. Iceland squirmed._

_That poor child._

_"Ohon."_

_"Shut your frog face, you pervert!" England spat, massaging his temples. "Someone get me a cup of tea or else I'm not resuming." He pouted and crossed his arms childishly to further prove his point._

_"I'll get you some, Master England!"_

_"Flying Mint Bunny? Thank you very much!" And the green ball of puff disappeared with a little "poof."_

_"…Who were you talking to?"_

_England turned to see ten pairs of bewildered eyes._

_"Uhm… I was talking to Flying Mint Bunny." It sounded more like a question._

_The smirk that Norway wore originally grew into a knowing one, while everyone else gave him a pitying look._

_"Ahh… eh… hmm-hmm. Let's get back to the story then, shall we?"_

* * *

><p>The tiny lizard slithered up Yao's arm and slapped his face silly. Since it didn't really feel like anything, Yao resisted the urge to flatten the lizard himself.<p>

"If it isn't more obvious, I'm kind of in a rush here…"

"YEAH, I KNOW. I ALWAYS KNOW. WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? I'M-"

Yao was already walking towards the camp, Kiku close behind.

"HEY, HEY! WAIT FOR ME!"

Mushu-merica ran after them, with the sound of chirping tailing him.

**-WELCOME TO CAMP GEI-**

Yao stood dumbstruck at the entrance, his mouth open as he stared at the elaborately embroidered banner. Mushu-merica was whispering into his ear, hidden in his collar.

"Go in already!"

Yao stumbled inside the a zombie-like trance.

"Walk like a man!"

"But I'm tired…" Yao protested.

"Come on! Are you a man or aren't you? Real men don't get tired!"

"I -am- a man."

"Then walk like one! Chin up! Eyes ahead! In a straight line! Chest out! Feet in! Knees bent! Stiff upper lip! ARMS WAVING IN THE WIND!"

"Are you-"

"JUST DO IT!"

A nearby recruit looked up in concern. "Hey buddy," he started off "are you alright?"

"Uh… yeah. Am I in the right place?"

"Eh, if you're looking for-"

The soldier was shadowed by three figures-

* * *

><p><em>"WAIT! EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS!"<em>

_England sighed, thinking he was making progress. "What is it now, Prussia?"_

_"FEATURE US! NOW IS YOUR CHANCE OR BE FOREVER UNAWESOME!"_

_"What?"_

_"Me, Francey, and Spain, of course No story is a story without the Bad Touch Trio!" Prussia looked over to the other two, mischief and interest now painting each of their features._

_"… but I already made France the emperor."_

_Hearing this, France chuckled. "Why, Sourcils, I never knew you thought so highly of me. But then again, I should have known. It was quite evident from last ni-"_

_Prussia shoved him aside. "C'mon Eyebrows! You can improvise, can you?"_

_To buy himself some time (and peace), England replied with "I'll think about it. Now shush, you chit."_

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><p>As it was mentioned earlier, the soldier was shadowed by three figures, and then roughly shoved out of the way by one of them: an obvious foreigner with long, thick, fair hair with twinkling blue eyes, and fair cotton clothes. Yao suddenly felt overdressed, you know, wearing his father's armour and all.<p>

"I will take care of this." Hmm, he spoke with an accent.

"_Bienvenue à_ Camp Gei, the army recruit training camp. If you are looking for love, encouragement, and friendship that can weather the fields of war, you have found it here. Welcome, recuit! Oh, let me introduce you to my friends!" He made a waving motion with his hand and the other two foreigners appeared from behind a tent, the brunette with sparkling green eyes dragging the albino-looking one by the arm.

"_Hola_! I am Antonio! and this is Gilbert!"

Yao felt the albino's scrutinizing crimson gaze rake his entirety. All of a sudden, a yellow ball came barrelling towards Yao's head before striking him on the head with a quiet plonk.

"Cheep!"

"Whadd'ya know. Looks like Gilbird has taken a liking to you." The white-haired foreigner cracked a smile and stood in front of him with his hands on his hips, while the other one seemed to be seemed to be floating and had a blissful, carefree expression on his face.

A very confused Yao started backing away slowly. "…I think I'm in the wrong place."

"Nonsense, amigo! The brunette said as he clung onto Yao's leg. "You're in the right place. Fusososo!~ Go meet the other new recruits!"

"Er… Mister…"

"Carriedo! But please call me Antonio!" he beamed.

"Antonio… I can't exactly go anywhere 'cause you're still around my leg…"

"Just pretend he is not there." The blond spoke up. Now that Yao looked at him more thoroughly, he looked very familiar…

Mushu-merica tugged on Yao's ear just then.

"Show 'em what you're made of! Walk on!"

"CHEEP!"

Mushu-merica's tail whacked Gilbird. Gilbird retaliated by slapping the tiny dragon with his wing.

"Hey! You can't do that to me! Mushu-merica slapped the bird back, and then ducked into Yao's collar before Gilbird could land his attack.

"Aiyah! Cut it out, both of you!" Yao hissed. He flicked what he thought was that troublesome lizard but…

There was a collective gasp, and everything fell silent. Gilbert was kneeling behind him, and opened his cupped hands to reveal a still, but breathing yellow ball of feathers.

"You…" Gilbert seethed. "You hit my junior!"

What followed was a kick to the shin which Yao didn't dodge in time. Yelping in pain, Yao hopped backwards, knocking over another soldier, who punched the one beside him as he fell…

Essentially, a brawl broke out.

Two figures who resembled each other walked out from a tent from the side. Both had bewildered expressions on their faces. Not like anyone noticed though.

The shorter, more armoured one patted the taller one's arm. "Good luck, bro. You have a lot of work cut out for you."

"General Im, you should get going now." Adviser Edelstein said as he approached the two.

General Im nodded solemnly as he walked towards his horse and troops. Glancing at his younger brother one final time, he departed with the words "Have fun, Yong Soo!" before setting off into the sunset with many soldiers in toll.

"Hey! It's still morning!" an eerily familiar voice called out.

Yao's head poked out of the brawling crowd for a moment.

"Hang on, aren't you from-? He was cut off by a ladel aimed at his head.

The captain, Yong Soo, and Adviser Edelstein looked upon them with empty eyes. They sighed.

"SOLDIERS!" the captain barked.

The recruits stopped their fighting, filed into a straight line, and pointed to the curled figure in the ground while waling a chorus of "He started it!"s.

Captain Im looked at the huddled figure, and turned back to the recruits with a glare marring his handsome features.

"Can any of you tell me why you were all beating up a woman?"

Before any of the recruits could mumble an apology, Yao tried to cut in with an "I'm a g-!" but was betrayed by his own voice cracking.

Captain Im helped Yao up.

"I'm truly sorry for my men but this is no place for a young girl."

"Not this again! Look sir, I can prove it." He started disrobing, taking off his breastplate. He grabbed the captain's hand as soon as he removed the armour, and placed it on his chest.

"Feel that! It is flat! FLAT!"

"Well this is awks," quipped Gilbert from the sidelines.

Captain Im's face was an impressive shade of red as his hand was still held down by Yao's slightly smaller one.

Yao lowered his other hand to the hem of his pants.

"Do you need more proof, sir?"

"Ohon."

"Francis, shut up."

A trickled of blood escaped the captain's nose.

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><p><strong>You know the drill. (:<strong>


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